Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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