Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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