do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
