You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
