Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
