I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
