Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
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I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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