god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
