You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
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My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
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Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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