im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
