Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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