This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
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I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize