I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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