I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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