6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
