i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
