Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
