Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
