you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
