You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
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I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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