my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I faked an abortion last night.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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