I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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