tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
