oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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