I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
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They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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