I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
