... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize