This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
