If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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