he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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