Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
