Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
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maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
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fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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