I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
time to smoke my breakfast
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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