i think my tv is drunk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
