i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
