My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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