So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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