He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
