You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
