you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
