I just pynch a tree in the face
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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