Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
