Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
