Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
