Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
