Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Found the puke drawer
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
