I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize