I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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