like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Never underestimate the power of titties
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
