I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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