I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
