dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We need a shit load of segways right now
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
