i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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