I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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