chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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